One of the worst things about being a thirty-ish woman is having to put up with other thirty-ish women. Case in point: the other day, I was having lunch with a group of pseudo-friends and the inevitable "perfect man" conversation goes around. For those of you who haven't figured this out yet, it's one of those oblique conversations where the topic matters less than making whoever's listening think you're not as shallow as you really are.

It goes like this ...

The first thing to do is dismiss the so-called superficial. Jane says she doesn't care for looks, but personality. Sally nods and suggests a man's profession and level of income aren't important either. If you don't agree, you get attitude - so even though you know these things are at the top of everyone's list, you play along.

You listen, and hear yourself saying, that what you really want is a companion who's caring and sensitive, honest and intelligent, kind and loyal. He's the type who isn't obsessive about appearances, sports, or his career. He shouldn't mind if you have kids or are a few (dozen) pounds overweight. He should be utterly, selflessly devoted and - giggles all around - intensely interested in sex. The topic changes then from "the perfect man" to "they must not exist because I can't find one."

But they do and you can ... on IRC.

Of course, none of them have a job and they all live at home with their parents - but then, the perfect man isn't obsessive about his career and his level of income doesn't matter. They're all physically repugnant - but we sophisticated types aren't concerned about appearances. They're so lonely and desperate that they'll build their entire lives around anyone who pays them attention and they're so socially inept that leaving you for someone else is an virtual impossibility.

It seems that, if my lunch-mates wanted to be as sophisticated as they like to pretend, they need to read a couple volumes of Tolkien and a Netware primer, then fling themselves at the hordes of "perfect" men on the Undernet.

As for me, I need to find a new crowd to do lunch with.