Periodically, I think about getting a pet, but the decision's a lot more difficult than I thought. My apartment's pretty small, so I can't really keep a dog, and owning a cat is a pointless endeavour, so what's left are the oddball creatures they keep in the back of the shop. It would be ironic to bring a species of rodent or insect into the place, what with all the traps and chemicals I've set and sprayed about to keep them out, and I never have seen the allure of fish. Then, there's that species of miniature pot-bellied swine that people are so fond of ...

... but I already have a roommate.

Other than that, there are various species of reptile — snakes, iguani, and lizards — but apparently, those are only available for people who are desperately prosaic and don't have any friends. It's not like they do anything but lay around in their cages, so the only pleasure in owning one a reptile is feeding time, when you can get a twisted sort of amusement out of watching them kill and devour a terrified little rat — but what with recent trends in corporate management, I get to see that kind of thing every couple of months anyway.

"Downsizing" the sales force.

I'd never really considered owning a bird — but when I did, it took about twenty seconds to think better of it. While it would be pretty cool to teach a parrot to swear and defecate on people I don't like, I just don't see myself as a "bird person." I don't own, and don't ever plan on owning, the requisite accoutrement to a parrot — i.e., a three-cornered hat and an eye-patch — and I don't have quite enough gray hair to join the canary clique. Besides, birds are just plain stupid.

... if ever there was a time to fly away.